Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
