and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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