I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
