haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
