Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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