Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
