2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
