yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
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the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
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i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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