I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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