How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
