Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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