I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
