I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
