I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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