You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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