I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
