I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
