If that was your dad, he is hot
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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