I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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