Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
