Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
