Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am one with the molecules
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize
