last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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