Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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