If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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