Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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