Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
