Welp...herpes.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
