he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
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come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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