why didn't you poke me back
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
In America we eat man semen.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
