my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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