life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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