Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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