I'm eating all of the evidence.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
