she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
