Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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