i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
