that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
