totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
