Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
