Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
