Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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