R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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