we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
