Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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