Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
