dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
