How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize