please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
