My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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