I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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