So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
