"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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