Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
