Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
