I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
