i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
