So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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